Happy Feet

What is Happy Feet? Really. I am asking a philosophical question. Because whatever Happy Feet is, it’s not a story. The screenplay, if there was a screenplay, was almost certainly pasted together by Daily Kos contributors who had just watched “March of the Penguins” during commercial breaks of “So You Think You Can Dance.” By 11:30 that evening, the studio executives, fresh of a Cheech & Chong marathon, had already green-lighted the project. That’s how I imagine it, anyway.

This movie takes a stab at being 4 or 5 different films, but fails at them all. It’s an educational movie. No, it’s a rockin’ musical. Scratch that: it’s a romance. I mean it’s a buddy flick. No, no, no! It’s a scary religious sermon about pollution and global warming (but with dancing!) By the end of the movie, when the environmental preaching turns as thick and runny as microwaved Velveeta, the ruse is up. It’s not a story at all. It’s a piece of barely coherent political propaganda.

Look, if you want to make an environmentalist cartoon, go right ahead. But I’d just like to know before hand, please. Market your product for what it is. If you pick up a religious film like Veggie Tales, you understand that Bob the Tomato is a Christian. No trickery needed. But even Bob never sermonized with this level of heavy-handedness.

Does the film have merits? Yes. The songs are fun, the animation is terrific, and when the live action stuff gets mixed in, the results are impressive. But well-animated features are a dime a dozen now, and most of those have an actual story to tell. So if you’re just jonesin’ for penguins, I recommend this Loony Tunes episode where Bugs Bunny had to escort that little penguin down through the Panama Canal instead. Now that is quality Penguin entertainment!

THE KIDS

I watched this movie without my kids, which was good, because I want to put off the sexual innuendos until they turn 8 so I can institute my traditional “National Lampoon’s / American Pie Birthday Marathon.” Sheesh. I hate it when people try so hard to be edgy. Sex-crazed penguins in a kids’ movie? Yeah! That’ll push the envelope! Lame. And annoying. Your kids would like the dancing and singing, and there’s a chance that all the cultural indoctrination might go over their heads. But for how long?

THE VERDICT: Headachy

How Annoying Is It? Dangerously annoying. By the time your senses settle down to what’s going on, your whole family will either be asleep, half mad, or racked with Hollywood-induced guilt. Avoid this film.