The Review

Rumor has it, Shark Tale had no script. The actors were put in a room with microphones, had a few drinks, and were encouraged to improv a story using only pop-culture references and puns about being under water. It was a bold strategy, aimed at toppling reigning fish flick Finding Nemo with star charisma.

But it didn’t work. Ironically, “Shark Tale” fell flat in precisely the same places where Finding Nemo succeeded. For instance, while Pixar took us to a new and mesmerizing world, Dreamworks wasted its 3 trillion dollar budget to show us what we see on TV every day. A whale wash? Yes, like a car wash. Got it. And Times Square, and a TV reporter. Oh yes, I recognize her. Katy Current. Yes I get it. I understand they substituted site gags for plot, and snarky one-liners for actual dialogue.

The movie plays like any daytime VH1 show: Brash, formulaic, and too-cool-for-school. Will Smith and Jack Black should receive a large chunk of the blame. At no time in the movie did I believe I was watching a lying fish and a possibly gay shark. All I saw was Will and Jack doing bits. It was way, way too much. And this is coming from a guy who grew up “Chillin’ out maxin’, relaxin’ all cool.” The director must have been a bigger fan than I was, because he put no restrictions on his talent. Remember how the who’s who cast of Ocean’s 12 sucked all the life out of the theater by drawing attention to their movie-staryness? Yeah, it was like that.

The Kids

Okay, I admit. Your kids will love it. Especially the boys. I give it 5 minutes before you see your 4 year old run out in his underwear yelling “Sark Sayer!” Then again, he’s 4. He would respond the same way after watching GI Joe, Ninja Turtles, or NBC’s Nightly News. You should know, too, that there is a bit of Shrek-esque crudeness in the film.

The Verdict: Mostly Harmless

How Annoying Is It? Compared to Oobi and Teletubbies, it’s fine. But next to Pixar’s little clown fish, I found it grating and obnoxious. Look, buy it if you must. I’ll support whatever you decide, but I don’t have to like it.

I didn’t hate “Shark Tale” per se. It didn’t drive me insane. But I felt a paternal disappointment in nearly every aspect of this film, as if it let me down personally, and might take years before I could trust again.