The Reveiw

In the late 80’s, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles confounded more than 50 percent of the population. According to the Census Bureau, exactly 0% of women and girls understood what the juice was happening. In reality, it was quite simple. The producers merely combined two boyish favorites–reptiles and karate–peppered them with testosterone, and wrapped them in a nearly incomprehensible plot. Who could blame young mothers for being astonished? Their bandana’d sons were interrupting MOPS meetings with battle cries of “Tuh-dle Pow-woe!”

Today, women TV producers have their revenge in a little thing called “Strawberry Shortcake.” Because, you see, girls like pretty things and sweet things. Put them together and you have a concoction feminine enough to stupefy men and boys around the world. My little brother (a former Turtle zealot, coincidentally) summed it up in an awkward, confused conversation with my 5 year old daughter: “Wait. You’re saying Strawberry Shortcake is a girl?”

That’s right. Strawberry Shortcake, in this instance, is a girl. She’s almost unknown to boys, but apparently she’s been entertaining the little ladies for years now. The same goes for her friends who carry names like Angel Cake, Lemon Marang and rainbow Sherbert. (Gentle Readers, I sincerely wish it was not so…) What’s the show about? Well, the girls go on various adventures where they learn about true friendship and give each other lots of hugs and stuff.

The theme song is a Little Girl Power Ballad whose crooner informs us “That girl’s so sweet / Just like her name: Straw-b-baa-baa-b-berry! Straw-b-baa-baa-b-berry…” When I first heard it, I could feel the estrogen in the room rising to toxic levels, and I passed out before the song ended. I could sense my spirit leaving the house, flying to Bath & Body Works and getting stuck between two pinked-up perfume samplers.

I came to during an episode called “Big Country Fun” in which Strawberry and her friend Twice Baked Potato (or not… I don’t care any more) go to work at a dude ranch that is no longer economically viable. So they help their employer save the–wait, why am I explaining this? You don’t care. If you are Netflixing these videos then you enjoy pain far too much. If you’re still on the fence then you must not be hearing me: THE CHARACTERS ARE NAMED AFTER DESERTS! You should be creeped out on at least a couple of levels. If you’re not, your hormone tolerance sensors must be set much higher than mine.

The Kids

If you have girly-girls like I do, it will be a big hit. They will love it. But THEY will like almost anything that has moving bright colors, so don’t get too hung up on that. Boys, however, will reject it and possibly grow up to resent Netflix altogether. And maybe you, too.

The Verdict: Cringe Worthy

How annoying is it? I asked my wife, “Is this as bad as I think it is?” She nodded an exhausted, mournful nod. I knew it! This little series will drive women crazy as well as men. It’s more than the girly-ness. The music will grate on you even on the first viewing, and the voice actors sound like they were recruited directly out of a local candy store. But that would only be appropriate, wouldn’t it. If you are looking for a less irritating feminine cartoon, go back to the classics.