The Review

Let’s talk our most embarrassing moments, shall we? You first… (imagine a vaguely creepy face looking at you with Dora-esque expectation…) Wow, that’s bad! But mine is worse. Because… gosh, this is humiliating… You see, I recently went to the box office and spoke the words “one for G-Force.” It was the middle of the day. And I was alone.

Arnett Demands to be take seriously.

I told you mine was worse. But you must know I did it for you. I baptized myself into the story of Bearded Ben and his team of genetically altered Guinea Pigs (or are they?) I immersed myself with Will Arnett while he fumbled through the “tantrum-throwing villain” role. I swam in the never subtle sounds of Lady Gaga, the Black-Eyed Peas, and the Farting Rodents. And I survived a full 90 minutes of over-produced nonsense just so I could warn you all about it.

No need to thank me. I’m just doing my job.

It goes without saying that the Guinea Pigs of G Force share a hilarious rapport that is rooted mostly in phrases such as “I like to move it, move it.” Think MTV ‘tude in a hamster ball, and there’s your film.

If you want to know what this movie is actually about, I’ll give you my best synopsis, but I’m not sure it will help. You see, there are these guinea pigs who have learned to be spies, and the FBI is chasing them because I guess they need guinea pig spies? (I think I might have dozed off in that part. Sorry.) Now, don’t quote me on any of this, but I’m pretty sure there was a mole masterminding a plot to kill humans with killer robotic coffee makers which, when activated, would bind themselves together into giant robots. So the G force gang sets out to stop him before he uses the robots to call down the satellites to fall on everybody’s heads in vengeance for humanity’s specism against moles. (And to think I was afraid that might sound convoluted…)

G Force seems like a well animated film but I can’t be sure because I have nothing to compare it to. I have never actually seen real life rodents don spy gear to infiltrate the offices of evil CEO’s. Little Ashley and Alisha, my daughter’s Guineas, have never done any such thing that I am aware of. At very least, I can say that the director’s “vision” of spy pigs is fun to look at.

But there is a vast difference between “fun to look at” and “fun to watch.” G Force, in my book, was far from being “fun to watch.” It didn’t fall short of the mark, but rather blew past it, like a 4 hour birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese with 25 caffeinated 8 year olds who need more tokens. And that is precisely how I will remember this movie. Chuck-E-Cheese on the Silver Screen. If you like pulsing sound effects, seizure-inducing lights, and butt-shaking rats, this movie is for you.

The Kids

Once again, I must confess that your kids, 8 and older, will enjoy this movie immensely. Because Guinea Pig Poop jokes are hip with the youngsters nowadays. But don’t let that deter you from NOT buying this film. Ignore my advice if you like. You might even enjoy the first viewing. But hear me, friend: a migraine is not far off!

The Verdict: Headachy

I’m not saying this movie doesn’t have some merits. It does. In fact, the first twenty minutes almost convinced me that I wouldn’t feel much pain after all. But the story is just so stinking LOUD in every way… I have no choice but to give you fair warning. Friends, there is enough obnoxiousness packed into G Force to feed half the Snakes on a Plane. If your tweens absolutely insist on watching it, negotiate the issue with great care. Make sure the “Only-when-I’m-not-inside-the-four-walls-of-this-house” clause is communicated with prominence.