The Review

According to a new study, the sharp rise in Eques-trogen entertainment is not caused by consumer demand but by maternal insistence. The glass ceiling in Hollywood has been shattered, and now even mothers from the quaintest Kentucky villages are getting their chance to bring lost childhood dreams to the small screen. I am certain that this is what happened with Horseland.

Horseland is the strikingly original name of a horse ranch where rich girls come and learn about political correctness. The cartoon that ran on CBS since 2006, and is now a digital TV & Netflix staple. I didn’t discover it until 2 months ago, when my 6 year old girly girl saw the picture and sighed. We watched one episode online, and she was hooked. What was the draw? Was it the the amped-up girl power theme song, the energetic sweetness, or the mere sight of little girls riding horses? In truth it was none of these. My daughters love Horseland for one reason and one reason only: These horses have highlights.

Yes, just like human girls put streaks of blonde in their hair, so these horses–male and female mind you–sport bold and colorful stripes of green, pink and purple through their voluptuous manes. This phenomenon is taken at face value on the show, and never explored. But I can’t let it go! What caused all this? Is there a zebra in their lineage?

But that is a milder mystery of a show in which animals talk to one another, fully understand human speech, but simply pass on the opportunity to communicate with their riders. The real, burning question that every viewer should have is this: Why does the dog sound like Sean Connery?

The Dog begins talking at 1:09. Tell me I’m not crazy!

It is undeniable. The collie who dispenses fortune cookie wisdom to the cat and the pig is definitely doing Connery. I used to think I had a killer Connery, too. I would drop my voice half an octave, cock an eyebrow, insert vaguely Scottish vowels and turn and turn every “s” into an “sh”. Exhibit 1: “The Rock‘sh a tourisht attraction?” There are roughly 40 million other white guys in America who can do it, too. But I, like most of them, have long since died to the dream of parading my skill in front of a national audience! So how did this weasel get a job?

In my mind, there is but one plausible explanation. Without question, the director is a middle aged mother. And her husband desperately wanted to be involved. She threw him a bone, but I wish with all my might that he would bury it.

The Kids

Girls, horses, hair styling, and friendship lessons… the only thing missing is the naming of characters after popular deserts. Girls will like it. Alot. Boys who don’t realize that it is simply an evolution of My Little Pony might get drawn in by the existence of the cool kid stable boys, but it’s a long shot.

The Verdict: Headachy

Horseland barely makes it out of Cringe Worthy Land. There are plenty of things to be irritated by here, not the least of which is the “Let’s Go To Horseland” anthem and the pathetic accents of the kids. The only reason I call it Harmless is the consideration that mothers might like it, and that those mothers might have husbands who think they can do Connery, too.