The Review

I’m writing this review under cover of darkness. If the mother of my children knew, she would certainly object. She hates Kung-Fu Panda. And although I disagree profoundly with her point of view, I can sympathize. Sort of.

Here’s the rundown. Kung Fu Panda is another mega-high budget Dreamworks production starring an A-List funnyman and half of Hollywood. Jack Black had wasted his talent with them once already in “A Shark Tale,” but they won him back with the promise of cheese curls and a billion dollars.This time, he stars as Po, a docile, overweight Panda who dreams of kicking butt with Kung Fu awesomeness.

When word goes out that the next Kung-Fu hero will be chosen, the entire valley shows up to watch the announcement of the “Dragon Warrior,” expecting one of the great “Furious Five” warriors to be tagged. And of course, Po manages to weasel his way into the spotlight to get picked instead.

But Po has no skills, and the Furious Five resent fate’s cruel announcement. After all, the Dragon Warrior is prophecied to gain special powers and save the valley from danger. All Po wants to do is eat and hang out. The Furious Five, based on the 5 forms of Kung Fu, include a MONKEY voiced by Jackie Chan himself. Some very good monkey footage in this film…

The Legend of Myagi

Anyway, at this point, the teacher comes up with the classic “put it in language he will understand” epiphany. Po loves food, and will do anything to get at it. Gluttony proves an excellent motivator for learning Kung-Fu. Five minutes and one terrific training montage later, Po is up to speed, and prepared to face Mister Myagi himself if he had to. When the super-bad villain arrives, Po assumes his hero role, kicking serious butt with his unorthodox, belly-busting style, thus saving the valley.

Sounds pretty exciting, right? It is. In fact, the fight scenes are expertly choreographed, and come off even better than some of the best live action martial arts movies on the market. The director perfectly mimics the mythical battle sequences of movies like Hero, where thousands of arrows are unleashed and one warrior swims through the air to knock them down. It’s visually stunning, and through the magic of CGI, our hero is able to trade Chuck Norris’ sense of humor for Jack Black’s. Best of both worlds.

There is, however, one aspect of this film that should give parents pause besides the obvious violence that many will object to: I am a grown man who already digs Kung Fu and Jack Black, just like 99% of my demographic. It’s almost too good to be true. So I have to ask who this movie was really made for? is the target audience 7 year old fans of “Go, Diego Go!” or 30 year old fans of “The Water Boy?” Let’s be honest.

Ultimately, this is why my wife objects to Kung Fu Panda. It is a guy movie more than a kid movie, and it’s often simply too much for children. After my daughters (6 and 7) watch it, they spend the next three hours facing off in their imaginary dojos–the sofa, the kitchen table, and the hall closet. The battles inevitably end up wherever mom happens to be currently stationed. Even the toilet provides no refuge. After all, Kung Fu battles know no boundaries. Invariably, one of them will kick herself in the head and sound a tearful alarm, signaling that it’s time to end the tournament and shelve the movie for a month or so, until we can restock with ace bandages and Children’s Tylenol.

The Kids

This might be the best cardio-workout film out there for kids. Even beyond the subtle “get up and play” message, your kids will chop and jump kick their way through through the entire story. That display might be even more entertaining than the movie itself. They will love it. However, I need to reiterate that it is a violent movie that can sometimes be scary as well. The Snow Leopard might not be as creepy as the “No Country for Old Men” villain, but he’s not far off.

The Verdict: Irritant Free!

How annoying is it? It isn’t at all. Kung Fu Panda earns an easy “Queue it!” rating, but if I was more objective, my answer would be more nuanced. To do it justice, you would need to rate Kung Fu Panda with 2 different criteria: “during and after.” During the movie, it’s wonderfully entertaining. After the credits, it’s a obnoxious story that teaches kids how to round house… all around the house.