Afternoon friends, and welcome to an exclusive, highly experimental Play-By-Play movie review. Today’s feature: Race to Witch Mountain. I’ll be your host Play-by-Play man and Analyst all rolled into one. Your personal Bryant Gumble/Joe Theisman. There will be SPOILERS all over the place. Fair Warning. If you want to watch it and be surprised, check out the meter. We gave it a Mostly Harmless 4. Ready? Okay. Que the music. And…. ACTION!

The Review

This is a pretty neat opening montage of news and para-news clips related to UFO sightings. I’m more interested in a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sighting. I can’t wait. Really If Dwayne actually exists apart from The Rock, I want to know.

Looks like an alien invasion. Should be fun. Wait–we’re suddenly in a different Movie. Oceans 13–DWAYNE! Yes! Driving a taxi nonetheless. I love it when obvious tough guys are shoved into everyman roles. Shcwartzenegger was always going to be an action star, not a cable guy. Same goes with The Rock. He’s too big for the cabbie role. Bet you five bucks the government is going to call him back to his role as an anti-terrorism guru, or secret service agent? Stay tuned…

I should let you know I’ve never read this book, though I’ve heard it’s good–a fact that almost ensures this movie will be “Cringe-Worthy” to everyone who has read it.

Yes! It looks like The Rock is being sought after by higher ups. You owe me five bucks.

Enter the child actors. Seth & Sara have “some extraordinary skills… They’re not children. They’re not even human.” Fine. Then they will be judged at a higher standard. For starters: They deliver wooden lines.

Kids in car, vehicles in pursuit. Chase scene commencing…… NOW! The pursuers are using the Flying V technique, like in Mighty Ducks. Who knew?

The boy is going all Matrix on the bad guys. Cool. And the girl’s going the Oprah route on Dwayne. Less cool. I like that they keep calling him by his full name, “Jack Bruno.”

20 Minute Update: This is a fun movie so far. The kids aren’t great by any stretch, but I’m emotionally invested in Dwayne. Who isn’t?

This kid has a newer iPhone then I do. It opens secret doors and stuff. I want that app. They’re being pursued all over the sound stage. The pyrotechnics are going for an Oscar! Developing… Two stunt men down. Blue lights turning to pink lights. Not sure why. I think it’s snowing in the desert. Crazy Taxi meets Star Fox, for the video game fans out there.

More explosions and video game footage. BANG! Wow. Now THAT was an overproduced explosion. Tone it down, there, Disney.

Let’s take a breather. I just found out that Dwayne the “Jack Bruno” Rock Johnson was not any kind of federal agent, but a former mob member. It’s the mob that wants him back, not the FBI. Here’s your five bucks back. And here’s my five.

This is SO UNREALISTIC! Dwayne Johnson is in a country-western bar and nobody recognizes him as The Rock. LAAAAAAME!

Jack and the kids are back in Vegas talking with the UFO expert and love interest. It’s the girl from Flash Forward. Poor lady. Sara just floated her MacBook Pro upside down. Again with the yet-unreleased features of Apple Products! The Mac Rumor sites are probably buzzing about now.

Here comes the plot explanation… listening… Okay, here’s the scoop: Aliens, a UFO, and possible invasion. (And you say, “ahhhhh.”)

And, at exactly 59 minutes, we have a title: Witch Mountain! That makes so much more sense. I always thought the title was a request for directions.

Enter the Cyper alien villain. He is a spitting image of Halo’s Master Chief.

The Rock just called himself “an easy book to read.” I think he meant “I only read easy books.” He is talking about his dream car: a mustang. I’m betting he gets the car at the end of the movie. Maybe as a present from the alien kids? How does double-or-nothing sound?

We’re now hiking up… Which Mountain??? Heh, heh. Classic. Ooooh! Ambush.

The Kids have been captured and wrapped in aluminum foil. The bad guys are going to put them inside a giant microwave. No! Don’t do it! It’s gonna blow! Oh good, I was wrong. The Rock and his lady friend are cooking up a rescue mission. And some sexual tension… And he just showed off his guns while crawling threw a tunnel. Trying to impress the girl, I assume.

Side note: The more this movie goes, the more it seems like a pre-curser to a ride at Disney World. Was that the real reason behind the movie?
Side note 2: The further this movie goes, the more it sees like a pre-curser to a video game. Was this the real reason behind the film?

D.J. & His Mac Geniuses

Good news! The Rock and his lady friend have purchased their own Haz-Mat suits and are in mid-rescue. Hacking. Glass breaking. Hose blowing in bad guy’s face. Red Light alarms flashing. Rescue… done. Helmets are off because the leads need to deliver some lines here, such as “Gotta hurry! Gotta hurry!”

85 minutes in, and the Spaceship has finally made it onscreen. Ever notice that it is REALLY bright in space ships? Wait–the FBI just opened fire on four unarmed civilians. This must be Janet Reno’s ATF, not the FBI. Gun battle ensuing. Master Chief is making a real mess. But they made it out of miniature, on a miniature. Whew!

Master Chief is now trying to body slam Jack Bruno. What a coincidence! Of course the director would give The Rock a chance to do that. One sweaty wrestling scene for very 90 minutes of film. That’s what’s in his contract.

Climax over. Commencing with conclusion.

Time to say goodbye to our little alien friends. Will he try to cry? Glassy eyes… hard breathing… I think I saw a gulp… Spaceship has… liftoff! (Disney would like to thank the all makers of Smoke Machines in Southern California for investing their entire inventory into this film.

End of movie commencing. Credits on the left, press conference on the right. Waiting for the car. I’m still believing he’s going to have his Mustang. I believe, people! Where is it. Mustang! Mustang! Mustang! Jack and the girl are together, of course, going to the mustang! YES!!! There it is! You all owe me ten bucks! And it has an “I brake for aliens” bumper sticker.

The end. Okay, now for a few conclusions.

The Kids

This is a movie for Tweens and above. Younger kids will not be comfortable with the violence. And The Rock will scare them with his general sweatiness. But those Tweens might get into it. It’s fun enough, I suppose.

The Verdict:Mostly Harmless

How Annoying Is It? I’ll give it a 4. It’s not great, but it’s not bad. The things that bugged me about the movie might not irritate you at all. The lighting, the effects, the smoke… it was all classic Disney over-production. And the kids studied at the Keanu Reeves school of “Whoa” Acting. Other than that, you might call this film “fun.” I just call it “Harmless. Mostly.”