My Open Letter to Santa Clause

To: Santa Clause
CC: Michael Eisner, Disney CEO

Re: Santa Buddies


Dear Mr Clause,

This is a different sort of letter than you are used to. I am not writing to ask for any presents. Rather, I want to ask you to get something especially bad for the producers of Disney’s Santa Buddies. A lump of coal will simply not do. I was hoping for a horse’s head beside their pillow or something, but I don’t know if you do that sort of thing.

Wait–Santa! You think I’m being too harsh. But you must hear what I have to say. These people showed extreme negligence and flat out contempt for children all over the world when they made this film. Their crimes include:

• Hiring NORM from Cheers to play you
• Writing lines like “Whoa, BFF’n dudes! That sounds like narley fun, for shizzle!”
• Carelessly substituting a toy dog to simulate actual puppy dancing
• Including musical numbers sung by puppies in the pound
• Including musical numbers sung by George Wendt
• Naming it’s main characters “Santa Paws” and “Puppy Paws”
• Making a mockery of Christmas lore, then lecturing the audience about Christmas Spirit

Sir, I am not implying this film is merely bad. I am suggesting it is evil.

The movie’s treatment of your legend is of particular concern. The story features a dog, “Santa Paws,” who allegedly rides beside you in the sleigh, and performs other Christmasy duties. This dog’s son, “Puppy Paws” does not want to inherit his father’s ambiguous job, and runs away to Washington, where he meets the five golden retriever Buddies, stars of several other feature films. Puppy Paws’ decision causes something called The Christmas Icicle–a giant, animated triangle–to begin melting, causing rolling electrical blackouts throughout the North Pole, and leading your character to deliver this wooden line:

“It’s happening fast. The magic of Christmas is fading right before our eyes.”

Amazingly, this was precisely the same concern I had while watching “Santa Buddies.” Do you know what “irony” is, Santa Clause?

Anyway, by the end of the film, Santa lore is so convoluted that the children of Christmas Eve end up directing their prayers… to you! That’s right. They weren’t writing letters asking for presents. They were directing petitions for divine intervention to yourself. I half expected the puppies to visit a Nativity scene and watch Baby Jesus sit up in the manger and yell: “On Wise Men! On Shepherds! On Mary and Joseph! Ho! Ho! Ho!”

This is, to my knowledge, the first time a designated hitter has ever been literally confused with the Pitcher. True, some resent the DH for soiling the purity of the game, and others celebrate him because they want to keep the Pitcher far away from the plate. But nobody confuses them as the same entity. At least I didn’t think so.

Am I offended by the discrepancy? No, sir. Frankly, I feel certain that the folks at Walt Disney literally got confused, as a boy might recite the wrong lines at a Barmitzphah. It might have gone like this:

“The script says the kids need to pray here.”
“Who do they pray to again? Santa, right?”
“I think so…”
“Should they kneel?”
“Yes. Just make sure they’re facing east.”
“What about crossing themselves?”
“That’s Valentines Day, moron!”
“Right. And where do I hide the eggs?”

Santa, I think we can forgive the intellectual bankruptcy, but what about the horrific script? The insulting acting? The Youtube quality special effects? The continued exploitation of otherwise innocent puppies? If these crimes do not warrant a harsh chimney visit in the spirit of Jack the Pumpkin King, I do not know what will.

I would request one more thing, Santa Clause. When the makers of the movie “Babe” unlocked the CGI magic of talking live animals, they could not have known what tragedies might follow. I ask that they be treated generously in any future proceedings.

Thank you for your time. And Merry Christmas. Amen.

Sincerely,

HowAnnoyingIsIt.com

The Kids:

My kids enjoyed Santa Buddies, but even they could sense the profound level of incompetence. The cuteness kept them company for 80 minutes, but they started roaring in laughter at one point, saying, “Daddy, they’re praying to Santa!” It seems they, too, interpreted this as an embarrassing mistake in research.

The Verdict: Cringe-Worthy

My 7 year old said it best: “That was kind of a crooked movie.” Indeed, it was so crooked, it was sideways, bloated, and starting to rot. The insertion of George Wendt was a bad omen from the start. The former CHEERS! star just wrote a beer drinker’s manifesto entitled “Drinking with George” just one month prior to the release of Santa Buddies. It is more than safe to assume his research with that project interfered with this one.

Do not Queue Santa Buddies. If you do, you will start to hate puppies, from now till the afterlife. Please promise me you won’t! If you want a more emotionally satisfying experience, try Santa Visits the Land of Mother Goose (1967) or Santa Clause Conquers the Martians (1967–try the Mystery Science Theater version if possible.) Both are bound to be more intelligible and less infuriating than this film. It’s that bad.

Is there a grown up in your life who you want to torture?
Santa Buddies makes an outstanding gag gift!