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The Review

After referencing the Star Wars Holiday Special in my review of Star Wars the Clone Wars, we decided that we owe you, the readers, an explanation of this cryptic reference. Consider this our Christmas gift to our readers, except that even to write about it is more like a Lenten fast than a gift given in joy. The only thought I was capable of articulating after completing the Holiday Special was “Father, forgive me for my iniquity is great!”

Luke-Fay Baker

Luke-Fay Baker

About three or four years ago, my brothers and I learned of a nineteen seventy eight attempt to profit on the success of Star Wars by producing a Christmas special which aired in prime time. At the time we became aware of this monstrosity, it had largely vanished from the public consciousness. There were wild rumors of a mandate from Skywalker Ranch that no mention was ever to be made of the Special, and anyone caught with a copy was to be summarily executed. Given the danger, it was understandably difficult to obtain a copy, but obtain one we did.

Thus we all gathered at my brother’s residence with the shades drawn, and the nervous expectation that Lord George’s storm troopers may show up at any time to kick in the front door. We even practiced removing the disk from the dvd player and racing to the bathroom in an attempt to flush the evidence. But oh how we were mistaken! The danger was not from without but very present within. The evening’s proceedings completely changed my outlook on the Star Wars universe. To this day I am unable to view my childhood favs in the same light.

holiday specialThe Special itself is very difficult to describe. It was a kind of variety show that featured period stars like Jefferson Airplane and Bea Arthur, who made appearances under the umbrella of a running story. The plot ran something like this:

Han Solo and Chewbacca are once again attempting to escape imperial pursuit and return to Chewie’s home world in time for “Lifeday,” an alien holiday that bears a striking resemblance to Christmas here on Earth. (If it helps to get you into the holiday mood, simply hum “I’ll be home—for lifeday— “ as you read this).

Now, commercialism aside, this would not seem too stupid, that is, if the story was centered around the hero’s struggle to return home. But it’s not. We the audience, are not stowed away aboard the Millennium Falcon, we’re stuck in the guest room at the Chewbacca’s (I don’t actually know their last name). The viewer is forced to watch Mrs. Chewbacca cook and clean as she awaits the return of her long lost hubby. His return will no doubt prove to be the right time for making wookie. (I sincerely apologize for that, I just couldn’t resist).

Another Bride, Another Groom...

Another Bride, Another Groom...

Watching the characters pad around the house on their days off is kind of like spying on an average Midwest farm family preparing for thanksgiving. Only the farm family is infinitely more interesting given the fact that they at least speak an intelligible language. As it is I’ve heard more intriguing conversation between canaries. The Wookie characters do not actually speak through the entire film. It’s maddening! The experience is not unlike watching a two hour mime, only less engaging. And allow me to brutally honest for a moment. I hate mime! As I imagine the creative process, I can hear the director reminding the cast: “Act through the mask!”

Lumpy's White Elephant Gift: Should he keep it or swap for Grand Dad's?

Lumpy's White Elephant Gift: Should he keep it or swap for Grand Dad's?

The whole film consists of the family waiting with the occasional nervous phone call to Luke Skywalker and Princess Leah. There is a gift giving scene were the resident human brings Lifeday gifts to the anxious family. The presents themselves are noteworthy. Chewie’s son Lumpy, receives a cartoon movie, which the audience is sentenced to watch with him. The cartoon features his dad and his dad’s friends. I cannot for the life of me understand how it is that his father and the rest achieved this kind of fame, but evidently one of the Galaxy’s top children’s shows features news events from last week. Either that or all their news broadcasts are in cartoon. The gift given to Lumpy’s granddad Itchy, has sparked considerable debate. It is a virtual reality program of a somewhat seedier nature. The entertainment featured the music of Jefferson Airplane and a number of female… dancers. The rest I’m not comfortable either knowing about or sharing. I’ll just say that Itchy was far too focused.

The rest is even more convoluted. Han and Chewie do indeed make it for the holiday, just in time to throw some storm troopers out of the house and concoct a cover story which allows them to enjoy their Lifeday turkey in peace. The last scene features the entire cast somehow raptured to an airport terminal and surrounded by Wookies in their Lifeday vestments. Princess Leah sings a Lifeday carol to the tune of the Star Wars theme confirming that, had her career begun on American Idol, the role of Princess Leah might have been played by the likes of Katherine Ross or Karen Allen.

The Kids

The kids will not like this movie. It’s boring, terribly terribly boring. If by some tragic and unlikely circumstance they do happen to encounter it, don’t let them watch! It’s not fit for children, and you may stunt their development irrevocably.

The Verdict:Cringe-Worthy

This is a horrendous film. I fully understand G.L.’s desire to hide it. If your curiosity overwhelms you I recommend going to Rifftrax and watching it with the aid of their writers. Trust me; it’s just not funny any other way.

Life Day Special!

How long can YOU watch the Star Wars Holiday Special?
Here it is, folks. Record your times in the Comments section below. If you think you can translate the Wookie conversation in the first 5 minutes of the film, include that too. Happy Life Day!