The Review

As a child I remember falling asleep to the sweet hymns of Dr. Suess’ imagination and creative rhythm. As an adult I am haunted by the delirious man in a cat costume begging for a laugh.

“The Cat in the Hat” is a movie that was made only because Dr. Suess was not alive to object. It stars (and I use the term loosely) Mike Meyers, who has not been funny since he married an axe murderer in the mid 90′s, and it is unsettling on many levels. Besides the disturbing image of Myers prowling around after children in a fur coat and giant colorful hat, the thing that bugged me probably the most was this scenario: The Meyers Cat puts on a mock television commercial about kitchen knives. During his demonstration, he manages to cut off the end of his tail. So he says what any 6 foot walking and talking cat would say, “son of a bi–”, but his outburst is censored by a loud “BLEEP” and a yellow smiling face covering his mouth. The gag easily brought more attention to the phrase than if he had actually said “itch.”

This is what we call the “cuss word head fake,” and it’s one of the oldest, most overused tactics in all of juvenile humor. We’ve seen it employed in ten thousand different instances, half of those by Shrek. The “head fake” is the third cheapest laugh you can find in children’s entertainment, trailing only the “hip-hoppin’ granny” and the “tantrum throwing bad guy.”

But on a broader level, I don’t understand how the writers came up with this story from Dr. Suess’s wonderful book. I don’t remember a fat, hairy neighbor trying to steal money from the rich, sexy mom, or a horrible and chubby boy trying to avoid going to military school. Am I just forgetful?

Speaking s a mom I don’t see any win in “The Cat.” The children make a huge mess but get it cleaned up before mom ever finds out; the mom discovers that her repulsive fiance–the man she loved–was using her the whole time; and to top it all of, Mike Myers was playing with her children all day long!

If you chew on some tin foil and scrape your teeth on a black board, the headache would not last as long. So skip the headache, and “pass” on the vocabulary lesson for your kids. Mike Myers should stick to what he is good at, or at least find what he is good at.

The Kids

The colors are bright enough and the pace fast enough to keep your kids entertained. But will you want them to be transfixed by a movie where the children are the heroes, the mothers are sex items, and the star is a large, obnoxious kitty? I think not.

The Verdict: Cringe-Worthy

After ten minutes of the movie when the children open the closet door to find the Cat, you are already antsy. After about 30 minutes of the obnoxious laughing and horrible one liners, you are banging your head against the wall. After an hour you discover you television in your front porch and your frightened children staring confused.