The Review

For decades, Barbie has placed herself squarely in the crosshairs of moms with her sparkling teeth, her perfect hair, and her “You-couldn’t-Possibly-measure-up” proportions. That discussion was valid for a long time. But today, there are literally hundreds of other reasons to dislike the Mattel Queen, not the least of which is her new movie franchise.

“Barbie Presents Thumbalina” was released this year, but you would swear it was made in 2002 by college students playing “The Sims.” You feel it right away on the cheap but oh-so-pretty DVD menu screen–a thing so femmy I could smell the BerryMint Lip Gloss. When I pressed play, a fly-by fairy who I never met assured me “You’re going to LOVE Barbie Presents Thumablina.”

I suddenly felt as if I was watching a movie with that guy who always says “Check this out. Watch this. You’re gonna really dig this part!” His chants are as unnecessary as they are annoying. After all, I already am “checking this out.” And thanks to him, my expectations have been artificially inflated, and cannot be possibly be met.

Read This Part! It’s totally Hilarious! See what I mean?

Besides, you cannot possibly love “Barbie Presents Thumbalina.” Even if the movie had a shred of similarity to the classic Thumbalina story, which it doesn’t, you could not love it. It might at least come as a slight relief to know that Barbie doesn’t play the lead role this time. Rather, the Ultra Girl narrates the story to a group of her worshipers in a field full of prettiness. It’s a story about a high-caste race of fairies known as Twillerbees^TM. (Yes, Mattel was so proud of this name that they protected it with a trademark! And it’s a good thing, too, because half of Hollywood was begging for a green light to Tillerbize on the big screen. Now, the purity of Mattel’s art will be preserved.)

Here’s a synopsis: little girl saves Twillerbees^TM Field from being plowed by ugly blue-collar workers. The girl is the spoiled spawn of evil capitalists who want to build a factory (gasp). She doesn’t mind. It’s just some old field, after all. But when she discovers that the tiny fairies who live there are as pretty as she is, the girl decides they should be saved.

At this point, our heroine pulls out all the stops to halt construction, including sabotaging the earth-moving Tonka Trucks. It’s a hilarious montage of human girls and Twillerbees^TM working together to reek havoc on less attractive grown-ups. Vandalism is fun! When the foreman gets fed up with her meddling and is ready to plow, Little Miss-Demeanor blocks the road, and her father arrives just in time to call off the project. Twillerbees^TM saved. Hugs all around. The end.

It’s all so very appropriate, isn’t it? Who better than Mattel, a company that dumps a billion tons of plastic idiocy on consumers each month, to lecture our kids on factories and mass production? And what better message to send to your 8 year old than “You’re way smarter than a grown up. So go throw a tantrum and stand in front of an earth moving vehicle! You’ll get your way!”

Thankfully, many children are smarter than Barbie. If they understand that Twillerbees^TM are fakey inventions of ugly grown-ups, they will also understand that there is nothing immoral about leveling off an empty field for a business which will employ hundreds of people. Because people are real, you see.

Finally, if you sit through the credits in a shell-shocked stupor like I did, you might notice the following quote resting center screen as the music fades:

“Even the smallest person can make a big difference.”
-Barbie

And by quoting their own fictional character, The Mattel Company threw down a poorly drawn gauntlet at the feet of Walt Disney, the reigning kings of self-promotion (“Disney DVD,” anyone???). Who can be more shameless in their marketing? It’s a commercial cat fight between Barbie and Tinkerbell. And it’s only going to get more annoying.

The Kids

I wish it weren’t true, but your daughters will love it. At the same time, I can almost guarantee that your boys will hate it. There is nothing here for them. Just flowers and rainbows and body wash.

The Verdict:Cringe-Worthy

This movie only reinforces what mothers have been saying for years: Barbie is not worthy of the adoration she receives. Everything about her world is over-the-top sweetness and emptiness. The constantly emoting characters will leave you exhausted, and the message that kids are smart and working grown ups are evil will require a detailed post-movie discussion in order to be squelched.