The Review

He’s whiney. He’s prone to tantrums. He’s bald. And no, I’m not talking about former Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan. His name is Caillou, he’s four years old, and he’s more annoying than Erkel, The Jonas Brothers, and that kid who played Anakin Skywalker combined. The show originated in Canada and somehow trickled down and ended up on PBS here. I’ve heard it only tested well in French-speaking focus-groups. Whatever the case, for this atrocity, it’s time for the Canadian cartoon to go the way of the Cuban cigar.

Each episode of Caillou is narrated by some old lady who sounds like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. And I’m not even sure “narration” is a correct term. After something–anything–happens in the story, the old bag provides a brief assessment about how Caillou felt about that happening; whether or not he liked it, and–in many cases–following with “Caillou wondered what it would be like to….[insert inane activity here].” I’ve read a suggestion before that this voice is that of Caillou’s grandmother, but I’ve refused on principal to conduct further research into this area. Regardless, why is a female senior citizen voicing a 4 year old boy’s internal monologue? It is as creepy as it is unnatural.

To make matters worse, Caillou’s voice sounds like ever releasing helium from the tightly stretched lips of a party balloon. Not only is it not pleasant, it is downright maddening. His various actions and misdeeds are preambled by his laughter which sounds like the muted wail of a banshee. After the first few seconds you are annoyed. If you make it through a whole episode, you’ll wish Caillou was dead. To add to this aggravation, Caillou is a little pipsqueak that never shuts up. “Mommy, look at this.” “Daddy, what is that?” “I’ve got a booger.” “Look at me, I’m a fireman!” I would go as far as to say the “writers” for this show merely follow four year olds around a daycare, jotting down whatever trite or trivial thing they say. Calliou is a pompous and pretentious pre-kindergartner

with a runny nose and a cocky stride. He acts exactly like a spoiled undisciplined 4 year old would, so why must art imitate life? It’s not interesting and it is certainly not beneficial in any way.

Caillou’s parents are nothing short of the textbook definition of enablers. They turn blind eyes and closed ears to Caillou’s around-the-clock annoyingness and they take his hissy-fits with gentle good humor. Corrections come, if at all, in the form of abbreviated sugarcoated talking-to’s. Between his ridiculous name, punk attitude, annoying voice, excruciating laughter, and his unexplained baldness, Caillou’s parents are preparing him for a life of wedgies, getting beat up, and probably getting knifed before junior high.

Last of all, what’s with the baldness? Caillou is like Charlie Brown before he learned shame and developed self-esteem issues. According the the show’s official website (in the Parents/Teacher section), the #1 question in the FAQ, of course, is: Why is Caillou bald? The answer: “Caillou’s character is based on a much younger character featured in illustrated children’s books published before the television series was created. Generally, for children, Caillou is a larger than life image of a preschooler. The fact that he is bald does not seem to bother preschoolers in the least. Not only do they never mention it, but when asked to think about why Caillou has no hair, our focus groups just laughed and replied: “He just doesn’t have any hair!”

I’m sorry. I don’t buy this answer for a second. “Based on a much younger character featured in children’s books”? How much younger would he have to be to be naturally bald? 0-3 months old? Let’s face it, neither the producers nor the network have a good answer for why Caillou is bald, but they have been plagued by letters and angry phone calls demanding an answer. They put a few spin-doctors to this task and the train-wreck of an answer you see above is the best they could shill out.

The Kids:

Here’s a warning for you: young children will love this show. They will see a small glimpse into a world in which pre-schoolers can be spoiled brats without fear of reprisal and punishment, and they will want in on the action. Conceptually, the show will superficially appeal to dead-eyed brain-dead parents under the guise that Caillou uses his imagination to pretend he is an astronaut, or a fireman, a dinosaur, or…whatever. Well, I did a little research and happened upon a startling discovery: children had imaginations long before Caillou ever aired.

The Verdict: Cringe-Worthy

Caillou locks and loads and wants to give it to you with both barrels. It’ll throw everything at you the first time like a desperate timeshare salesman. There is no doubt Cailliou will enrage you. If you have a saintly threshold for major annoyances and can somehow stand watching this drivel, you will undoubtedly be concerned about the effect it will soon have on your children. So don’t do it. Protect your sanity, and protect your children from becoming pre-K punching bags.

Additional informed opinions by equally annoyed parents may be found on the message board for the show here, at the Internet Movie Database.