The Review

How easy must it be to be a Scottish entertainer in the US? Seriously, you can do anything–wear horrible golf pants, host unwatchable late night talk shows, whatever you want–and we Americans will instantly fall in love with your brogue. The same goes with Jamaicans. Bring a Scottsman or a Jamaican to your Christmas party, and your friends are guaranteed to be impressed with you, even if your guest is an obnoxious bannock (that’s the Scottish word for scone or biscuit. Tell me that’s not awesome!). All they will hear is Braveheart and Cool Runnings.

I am guilty of this, too. The fact that I am an American of Scottish decent makes it nearly impossible for me to render an unbiased review of Water Horse, a movie chock full of awesome Scottish accents. But really, can you blame me for expecting the Loch Ness Monster to be at least thousand times more charming than the monsters in Loch Michigan?

Water Horse is the E.T.esque tale of a boy named Angus who finds a mysterious egg and takes it home until it hatches. He names his emerging pet “C’ruso,” being a huge fan of David Caruso, star of CSI Miami. C’ruso is a water horse, which is, apparently, a rubbery creature just cute enough to earn a “Pet Makes a Big Mess in the Kitchen” scene. When the monster grows too big for Angus to hide, he leaves for Loch Ness, which is good, because the Sasquatch in the cellar was already getting jealous.


Loch Ness, with its bottomless depth and postcard scenery, would seem like the perfect place for a now gargantuan Water Horse to hide. But there is a problem. The Loch is being heavily guarded by the World War 2 British Navy, and they are nervous about German submarines. (The Monster bears an unfortunate resemblance to the German U-505.)

The Navy is so paranoid that they build a sub-aquatic net of sorts to block any sub from entering the Loch. But C’ruso throws caution to the wind, choosing to show his long neck to Loch photographers, and even giving free sea rides to the children of the highlands.

Alas, the legend is born. What is this monster? Is he a fish or a carefully constructed hodgepodge of computer generated imagery and hi-tech puppetry? No one knows! But the navy refuses to let him swim free, choosing instead to pummel the Loch with indiscriminate cannon blasts. C’ruso freaks out, of course, and even his boy Angus can’t get him to calm down until the boy negotiates an end to the film: It will happen at night, on the stormy Scottish sea. And it will be bittersweet.

Before I tell you the ending (I think I should have said “SPOILER ALERT” up there somewhere… sorry), you need to know that Loch Ness is actually 80 feet above sea level, and in no way accessible by submarine. The whole bit about the mechanical net keeping out the U-Boats is made up, as is the notion that the Nazzis would have attacked such a remote target. I have no problem with that. It’s a work of fiction, after all. What I do have a problem with is the moronic ending to the script. The British Navy is chasing poor Monster all over the lake when the boy finally tells him to make a break for the ocean. The only way he can make it, though, is by summoning his eagle powers and hurdling the net. But C’ruso never trained for the high jump, and he falls short, crashing into the bar, and destroying the Scotland’s defense. Thus, C’ruso is now free to swim wherever he wants, just like the Nazzi U-boats.

Sinead O’Connor quickly comes to sing the movie out (don’t let her fool you! She’s Irish, not Scottish. Who does she take us for, anyway?) wondering aloud why all some men think about is war. Sinead: If your nation is fighting the Nazzis and all you are thinking about is your stupid pet fish, you’ve got an unhealthy attachment.

Happily, the naive message of the film is overshadowed by its irresistible Scottishness. The scenery is spectacular, and the accents are tight. And for those reasons alone, the movie is called “mesmorizing” and “haunting.” I’m not sure Water Horse is either of those things, and yet here I am, advising you to Queue It. I’m a sap, I know. Now excuse me while I look for my copy of Rob Roy.

The Kids

Younger kids will be bored to tears, except when the monster is still little, and splashing around the bathtub. Older kids will almost certainly enjoy it. The boy’s underwater ride is particularly thrilling.

The Verdict: Queue it!

Water Horse isn’t the best family movie I’ve ever seen, but is a good little story. The effects are artfully subtle, and the acting is convincing. Just know this: if you, like some, fall head-over-heels in love with this film, don’t go overboard and purchase a Loch Ness vacation in hopes of seeing the sights from the film. Most of it was shot in New Zealand. Fortunately for you, they have cool accents down there, too.