The Review

It’s time to get something straight. Little does not equal Cute. I have been fighting that falsity for twenty years without making headway. Even in junior high school, I would demand to know what, pray tell, is so adorable about baby shoes. The response that “they make you think of a baby” was and is as unsatisfying as a tiny spoonful of rice cereal.

The claim that little is cute was stupid from the start, and we all know it. Even the most sensitive Hallmark Hall of Famers would admit that there is nothing precious about ailing cockroaches, but those are small, aren’t they? Just like pantry rats, Danny DeVito, and airborn viruses. I defy you to find a single specialist who, upon examining the molecular structure of H1N1, said “Awwwwwwwww.”

Fortunately, the new Chipmunks movie will finally allow me to rest my case. The only things more Cringe-Worthy than the name “Squeakquel” were Alvin and his counterparts who were inexplicably voiced by biggish Hollywood celebrities. Justin “I’m a Mac” Long is Alvin, though you would never know it. Why the producers would spend millions on recognizable actors if they were going to distort their voices anyway is beyond me. At 3x speed, even Ben Stein and Barney Frank sound identical.

In “The Squeaquel” Alvin and his brothers go to school where we see them get mocked, bullied, and eventually eaten. Well, I had wanted them to get eaten, anyway. Instead, Alvin becomes a football star. His small size allows his coach to go all Boise State on their opponents with a trick play wherein Alvin pastes himself to the football and the quarterback throws him into the endzone. The play worked to perfection only because the referees refused to throw a flag for an obvious illegal motion penalty. But I digress.

Alvin’s popularity goes to his head, and he begins to neglect his brothers. And in case you’re wondering, yes, this was the same plot as every single episode of the Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon. But at least the old cartoons did not feature David Cross, who once again stars as the scumbag agent who the Chipmunks barely tore themselves away from. As an audience member, I can sympathize, because I desperately wanted to tear myself away from actor David Cross also. His antics were way over the top. Yes, I know he’s doing it for the kids and not the grown ups, and I know he is getting a trillion dollars to do it. But his performance in this film was maddening to the point of Wiggle-Esque.

I suppose I should mention the Chipettes. They are the exact counter-parts and love interests of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. The three couples are so similar that I thought they might perform a cover of Michael Bolton’s “How Can We Be Lovers If We Might Be Twins?”. That relational concern alone is almost enough for me to keep this movie away from my kids. Call me over cautious, but I don’t want my kids exposed to high-speed rodent inbreeding until they are at least 9 years of age.

The Chipetes come to the same high school and gain headway as the new girly-girl band. Their popularity begins to erode the support of their boyfriends, much to the chagrin of the Chipmunk’s biggest fan, the school principle, played by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi’s character, Dr. Rubin, secretly wants the Chipmunks to represent her school at a Battle of the Bands, where the winning school receives a year’s supply of cedar chips and hamster pellots.

In a battle royale of high-speed dubbing, the Chipmunks and Chippettes eventually decide in the end that performing onstage together is better than being musical rivals. Watching their joint performance is like watching your next-door neighbor’s dropout nephew play Jonas Brother’s songs on Guitar Hero. Only less cool.

So why does the crowd go crazy? Why do the masses find Alvin & The Chipmunks so adorable? They are awkwardly animated rats with voices on fast-forward, and they probably smell. But they are little. And because of that, the gullible masses have already dumped truckloads of cash at their animated feet, even though they probably have rabies.

The Kids

There is something about helium-voiced rodents that kids just can’t get enough of. Boys and girls will love this film, and they will mimmic the songs for months, ad nauseum. I wish it were not so.

The Verdict: Cringe Worthy

This was the worst Rodent Film of the year. And that is no small feat in a year included “G-Force.” Watching skanky rats sing “You Spin Me Round” is.. how do I say this? It seems impossible for THAT to be anything but infuriating. And yet some of you will no doubt love this film. I fully expect to be berated for being to harsh. But I must go with my conscience here, folks. The music in The Squeakquel will bust through your eardrum like a swat team into a crack house. And then it will roll around your brain for days on end, latching itself to one hemisphere, then another, then both. What will happen with long-term exposure? Time will have to tell. As for me and my house, we shall not take any chances.