The Review


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Planet 51 is the new Dwayne Johnson movie about an astronaut who lands on a distant planet only to discover that he is the scary alien invader, 1950’s style. I can relate to the scared planet dwellers, because when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson landed on the silver screen, I panicked too. Specifically, I remember dropping my malt in front of the juke box and ducking and covering underneath a table-for-two. When I emerged with full catheters two weeks later, three mummy movies were already in post-production.

How has Hollywood coped with professional wrestlers? The same way that earthlings cope with alien invaders: By letting them do whatever they want. Observe a brief history:

  • Andre the Giant: Standing at exactly nineteen and a half feet tall, Andre scripted fear into his opponents just by lifting his big toe. His classic appearance as Fezzik in the Princess Bride is overshadowed by his cameo in Cindy Lauper’s 12 minute monstrosity “The Goonies R Good Enough,” included below.
  • Hollywood Hulk Hogan: Voted “America’s Greasiest Man” an unprecedented 4 years in a row, Hulk graced the silver screen numerous times, and even earned his own television horror/sitcom “Thunder in Paradise.” But his greatest achievement was “Mr. Nanny,” the story of a tough guy who can handle any situation… except babysitting! (Also see: “Kindergarten Cop” with the ARNOLD, “The Pacifier” with Vin Diesel, and the new Jackie Chan epic “The Spy Next Door.”)

  • Stone Cold Steve Austin: That’s right, Austin 3:16 is bulging-neck-deep in his own cinematic quagmire. If you missed his Oscar-worthy gems on Tuesday Mid-Afternoon Raw, you can at least see him in “Condemned,” a movie which probably ought to be.

  • Jesse “The Body” Ventura: I know what you’re thinking. Predator. Big burly guy with the machine gun, right? Big muscles; big acting muscles. Well, his most convincing performance came in 1998, where hundreds of thousands of wrestling fans were so convinced by his versatile skills that they elected him governor of Minnesota. And even though the whole thing was just a gag, he went on to play the bumbling, narcissistic politician role with great conviction.


    Today, Dwayne “Don’t Call Me The Rock Anymore” Johnson is faring better than all of these gentlemen, probably because of his enormously flexible eyebrows. Ironically, Planet 51 is by far his best performance, and his eyebrows don’t even make an appearance!

Planet 51 is a 90 minute tip of the hat to the paranoid sci-fi flicks of yesteryear. It is the story of astronaut Chuck Baker’s journey to an alien planet which does not receive him well. Justin Long co-stars as Lem, the timid museum employee who’s boring life is just starting to come together until he discovers the human astronaut hiding out at his place of employment. Against the morays of his easily spooked society, Lem hides the man and agrees to help him get back to his ship.

The supporting cast includes the always brilliant John Cleese, Gary Oldman, and Jessica Biel. A quick aside about Biel: I have to wonder why so many CGI films star the loveliest big name actresses, as if their looks would make a difference. In contrast to the Biel-ish cover girls like Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz, Pixar’s leading ladies–Julia Louise Dreyfus, Joan Cusack, and Bonnie Hunt, to name a few–are consistently more colorful and utterly convincing. It makes a huge difference when you look for the best actress and not the best model/actress.

Justin Long: Return of the Mac

Where was I… ah yes. The supporting characters. They play cookie cutter roles, but it’s all intentional. Cleese is the mad scientist, Oldman is the overly zealous commander, and Biel is the modernizing love interest who can’t decide between Long and her perpetually protesting hippy friend. But the best character in the film is the voiceless Nasa Rover, who becomes a de-facto puppy, and is eventually adopted by Justin Long’s pal P.C.

I won’t tell you how it ends because it’s fairly predictable. Aliens are people too, and everybody can relate, and if we all just held hands and put away our bombs, everything would be all right, really… When it ends, the Rock becomes a tourist attraction, just like on earth. And when he finally blasts off to re-invade his home planet, we, the audience are left to ponder and quake at what might come next…

The Kids

My 6 & 8 year old girls laughed the whole time. It is very entertaining for that age and older. The elder, however, was disturbed at one point when the astronaut drops a sheet covering his body, and one alien observes: “That’s a strange place for an antenna!”) There are some similar quips throughout, but they’re pretty subtle. The violence and peril stuff is always kept mild and comical. Younger kids could be scared, but there is almost no chance the older ones will.

The Verdict:Queue It!

Planet 51 is not the best animated film of the year, but it’s fun. I particularly enjoyed the barrage of vintage film references like “Wait: There’s no way you two are brother and sister, right?” Good stuff. Notice I didn’t say GREAT stuff. This is not a Pixar movie. The characters are two-dimensional, and the plot cannot be called compelling. But if you take it for what it is–a comedic action movie for kids and nothing else–and resist the urge to take it too seriously, Planet 51 is a fun flick that your kids will enjoy for days on end when it comes out on DVD.

Bonus Content: Andre is Good Enough

Here is the legendary Cindy Lauper video “Goonies R Good Enough,” featuring a slew of pro wrestlers. If you skip forward to exactly 11:00, Andre the Giant will emerge out of the pink smoke and into Hollywood legend. Please don’t watch the whole thing. It hurts too much. Really. Just skip to 11 minutes and tell me how you feel.