The Review

(Spoiler Alert! We’re giving EVERYTHING away!)
Forgive me for being at a loss, but I just watched a movie starring Julie Andrews and Dwayne Johnson. If you’re keeping score at home, yes, I am talking about Maria Von Trap, a.k.a. Mary Poppins, a.k.a. Academy Award Winning legend playing alongside The Rock, a.k.a. The Scorpion King, a.k.a. Big Sweaty White Guy. The experience reminds me of an old stand-up routine where the waiter at a classy restaurant serves Hot Pockets from a dirty microwave.

Tooth Fairy is the latest movie in what looks to be a long line of cheese platters starring Dwayne Johnson. Some have christened him the new Arnold Schwarzenegger. While there are obvious similarities (they use the same body grease), Johnson lacks the Governor’s dramatic flair. (“You’ve been EDASED!”) He appears, instead, to be following the Brendan Fraser Doctrine of Film Appearances (B.F.-D.O.F.A.) by cranking out an ocean of kid friendly, borderline Cringe Worthy entertainment.

In this film, Johnson stars as Derek Thompson, a washed up minor league hockey player whose only claim to fame is that he quite literally crosschecks the teeth out of his opponents, thus earning him the film’s nickname. But when girlfriend Ashley Judd’s adorable daughter loses a tooth of her own, Johnson breaks the news that the actual tooth fairy does not exist. The outburst earns him a Judd-ly scowl, and a summons from Tooth Fairy God Mother Lady Andrews. In a special effects free for all, our hero gets sucked into another dimension where hundreds of tooth fairies patrol a large, open floor under a giant world map, and receive their assignments to hawk millions of teeth off of tiny children for a cheap buck. Thankfully, the director was able to borrow the set location (and half the premise) from the makers of Monsters Incorporated.

Thompson is quickly convicted of spreading disbelief by the Lady Andrews, and sentenced to two weeks of actual Tooth Fairy duty. Which basically means (wait for it–it’s gonna be sooooo funny!)… Dwayne Johnson in a tutu!!!

Yeah. There it is.

The viewer then is forced to watch Thompson perform his covert duties under the watchful eye of a wingless administrator while a) trying to revive his fledgling, passionless career, and b) trying to bond with Judd’s twelve-year old Guitar Hero son. He doesn’t like the kid, of course, but just wants to get closer to Judd.

A quick word about Ashley Judd: I watched Double Jeopardy (the movie, not the segment) years ago, and I felt I was the only one in America who just wasn’t buying into her. Ashley is noteworthy because of her last name and general prettiness, but she is not an accomplished thespian. And today, I watched a professional wrestler out act her. Let that sink in a minute.

Anyway, The Tooth Fairy sucks at his job, but is forced to persevere. He decides to do things his own way, which apparently means breaking and entering into little kids’ bedrooms and stealing teeth while wearing full hockey gear. It sounds fun, doesn’t it? Yes… But it isn’t, because the audience never really gets to see it. Instead, we are left to watch our star encourage his would-be step son to enter his electric guitar skills in school talent show. The kid, in turn, challenges Thompson to take a shot on goal, which he has apparently not done in nine years. (I’m no hockey expert, but isn’t that something a player ought to do once or twice a year?) The two accept eachother’s dare, and make their own T-Shirt slogan: “You Can’t Score Unless You Take A Shot.” NO FEAR.

At the 70 minute mark, right on schedule, things turn bleak. Thompson hesitates in his hockey game, and almost loses his job, his girlfriend, and his eyebrows. Fortunately, his Tooth Fairy pal motivates him to take another shot, which he generously allows his stunt double to take instead. The puck goes in, and just like that, he is back in the game, literally and metaphorically.

And suddenly, just when time is set to expire, our hero sprouts wings on the back of his jersey, a signal that another tooth needs to be extorted. What to do… What to do… Thompson resolutely throws shame to the wind (the shame that was left after accepting his role in “The Game Plan,” anyway), and lets the crowd see him in his Fairy glory. The move allows him to purchase yet another tooth from Judd’s daughter, and to take the boy to his talent show. The kid performs brilliantly, of course, and Thompson pounces the emotional highlight to seize the attention and propose to Judd. Bad form, I know.

I should mention that Billy Crystal makes a couple of cameos, and like Andrews, he is far too good for a film that features a barrage of puns like “Fairy Krishna,” “Faireoke,” and two dozen plays on the word “Wing.” I fear that Crystal and Andrews will eventually try to blot this whole experience out of their resumes.

So are there any winners in Tooth Fairy? Yes. The Producers. They will earn tens of millions of dollars from Johnson’s performance. In an age of bloated, pretentious Hollywood films, The Tooth Fairy will turn a large profit without producing any art whatsoever. Now that is impressive.

The Kids

I didn’t take my daughters to this film, but if I had, they would no doubt have enjoyed it. Tooth Fairy is, at least, entertaining for kids. Mixing sports with fairies is a particularly smart money-making scheme. Boys and Girls will both enjoy it.

The Verdict:Mostly Harmless

Are their worse family films out there? Yes. But if you are sick with swine flu, are there worse illnesses? Absolutely. To quote the Backyardigans, “Things could always be worse.” That doesn’t mean they are good. Tooth Fairy is certainly NOT good, but it probably will not send you to a therapist after only one viewing. There are enough decent moments to keep it out of Cringe Worthy land. Barely.