An Official HAII Toy Review
Tickle Me Elmo. Chances are, you know what this toy is, because you remember the commotion he caused: frazzled newscasters reporting the horror scenes around Christmas time: Fistfights between fathers; Grandmothers swinging purses; Black eyes; Security called; Riot police; Bomb Squads waiting in the food court; Marshall Law being declared in rural Walmarts until New Years’ Day… It was ugly, and I am glad it’s over.

Today, T.M.E. is available for pennies on the dollar in virtually every store across the nation, including fine restaurants. And it was this availability that allowed my dear mother to buy one for my son three years ago. I shot her angry eyes, and she just grinned, knowing she would suffer nothing. The torture would be mine alone
You see, when you tickle your Elmo, he laughs and gyrates for a good eight seconds. It is uncomfortable to watch him. You kinda have to see it to understand. But his voice shoots up an octave, and then he begins to laugh louder. “That tickles,” he declares, thereby inviting more. It’s creepy, really. My children, who delight in the monotonous, obeyed his request without fail. I contemplated the legal implications of cutting off my mother from all future contact.

We got back in the car after Christmas to drive the two thousand miles back to California. Somewhere strewn about in the back pile of loot in our Ford Explorer, Elmo rolled back and forth. And he was tickled for hours and hours on end. My wife became irritable. I ranted about alien invasions and Kevin Bacon. A dark cloud descended on our vehicle, and for many hours we hated laughter. We hated life itself. How we ended up at our intended destination is a miracle of Red Sea proportions.
Fortunately, Elmo has since gone missing. If your child gets an Elmo, I guarantee this will happen in your home also. Because even though the good folks at Sesame Street know how to please their target audience, you will become collateral damage. Tickle Me Elmo, for a parent or older sibling, is an evil toy, and it is the very definition of Cringe Worthy.